Losing a loved one, a relationship, a job or a long-held dream can be among the hardest experiences in life. Whether through death, a breakup, a divorce or another major change, such losses can bring complex emotions such as sadness, emptiness, confusion and loneliness. This is known as grief.
Grief is a powerful feeling that is experienced uniquely by each person who goes through such an experience. There are those who are open about their feelings, and there are also those who suppress their feelings and do not know how to cope with them. Knowing what grief means, recognising its symptoms and coping with it can make all the difference in the world.
What Is Grief?
Grief is the emotional and physiological reaction to the loss of someone or something we deeply care about. Loss is usually associated with the death of a loved one but may take place during significant losses in life, like separation.
This can result in feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, disbelief, loneliness, or even numbness. People may feel difficult to believe what just happened to them. Other people may experience some changes in their sleeping habits, appetite, concentration, and everyday activities.
Grief is not a sign of weakness. Grief reflects our connection to what we lost. There is no way to grieve. Everyone experiences grief differently. Every person’s grief deserves care, understanding and compassion.
Loss and Grief: What Can Be a Trigger for Grief?
Grief can be caused by losses. Although there are variations in how grief manifests itself and the intensity of grief is different for each individual, in general, grief is caused by something meaningful. Grief is a reaction to the significance of a relationship, experience or situation before it changed. I have seen how grief can appear in different ways.
Losing someone close
The loss of a family member, a partner, a friend, or anyone with whom you had an emotional bond may result in grief. I understand that the loss of someone entails losing memories, hopes, security, and daily experiences that made one feel at ease.
There is nothing more than losing one in life for which a person grieves. It may occur as a result of
- The breakup of a relationship or getting divorced.
- The loss of a job or identity.
- Death of a loved one
- A serious illness, a disability or a change in abilities.
- Moving away from home. Leaving a familiar environment.
- Losing a friendship or an important social connection.
- Major life transitions that change how a person sees themselves or feels safe.
Even when others don’t see the loss as significant, the emotional pain can still be very real. The heart bears its weight when it is unnoticed by anyone.
The Pain of Losing a Loved One
The grief for the death of someone close affects us in all aspects of our lives. The absence of a loved one becomes evident when we gather around the dinner table on a particular day or when we want to narrate our experience of the day.
Individuals may start reminiscing about past experiences, looking at pictures of loved ones or wishing they could spend some time with them.
Grief involves different feelings. One may experience sadness. A person may feel relieved in the case of a loved one who is suffering in the end. Other people may feel guilty about their actions or decisions they made.
Why grief hurts emotionally and physically
Grief affects the individual both emotionally and physically because there is a strong connection between the two. In case of the death of someone a person feels a lot emotionally, which affects them physically too. Strong emotional reactions like sadness, anger and shock cause the stress response in the body and affect it physically. Some people feel tired all the time. Have very low energy. Headaches and tight muscles are common. Appetite might change; some eat much, others not enough. I have noticed in many people – some face stomach problems like nausea or an upset stomach, and some may face sleepless nights. They are unable to concentrate and memorise things after a difficult night. These are few common symptoms.
Due to these symptoms, it is extremely difficult for them to perform daily activities such as getting out of bed and making breakfast. Grief shows up in different ways. Not everyone feels the same things. Some people feel pain right away. Others notice changes days, weeks or even months after the loss. Some symptoms pop up at times when they least expect them. It is impossible to experience mourning. Everyone has their own path to follow.
Symptoms of Grief
Grief affects individuals differently. Some symptoms appear immediately after a loss, while others may emerge gradually or occur unexpectedly.
If we categorised symptoms, it may look like:
Emotional symptoms
- Experience sadness that lasts for some time, and cry frequently.
- Feel anger that leads to frustration or irritability.
- Feel guilt, regret or helplessness that makes the feeling of being lost.
- Have feelings of isolation and emptiness within.
- Shock, disbelief or numbness, leaving a feeling of emptiness.
- Have anxiety regarding future possibilities, fearing loss.
Physical symptoms
- Sleep is affected, sleeping too much or not enough.
- Eat less or more than normal.
- Feel tired. Have low energy.
- Have headaches or aches over the body.
- Stomach. Discomfort in the gut.
- Feel tightness in the chest or heaviness that makes breathing difficult.
Thinking and behavioural symptoms
- Find it hard to concentrate or to decide on things.
- Think again about the loss and remember it again.
- Forget things. Feel confused.
- Withdraw from friends and family and stay away.
- Stay away from anything that reminds of the loss.
- No longer find pleasure in things that used to bring me happiness.
Having these symptoms does not mean that it's a health condition. Grief is a reaction. If symptoms are strong or keep going, it may need help from a professional.
The 5 stages of grief
The five stages of grief were introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist. These stages are widely used to explain the feelings that come with a loss.
1. Denial
Denial can be associated with feelings of shock, disbelief, or difficulty accepting the situation. Denial is a barrier that prevents one from moving forward. Denial can cause emotional numbness or lack of clarity with regard to the situation. It doesn’t allow one to accept what happened.
2. Anger
As the loss becomes clearer, anger and frustration can arise. Anger may make a person feel mad at themselves, at others, at the situation or even at the person who's gone. Asking questions like Why? Why me?
3. Bargaining
Bargaining usually brings thoughts about what could have been different. Bargaining can make a person keep thinking over and over again, "If only I had done something" or "What if everything had been different?" Trying to make different possibilities.
4. Depression
Grief can bring sadness, loneliness, withdrawal and a feeling of emptiness. Depression may make a person see clearly how loss has changed a person's life. Long-term effects on one’s life and choices. They stop living the way they used to.
5. Acceptance
Acceptance is the reality of the loss. Acceptance does not imply that you forget about the person, accept the situation, or feel no sorrow anymore. Acceptance implies adapting to life after the loss and continuing on. It brings the person closer to reality and stops running from it.
Grief is not linear. The five stages are not a fixed sequence that everyone must experience. People may experience some stages move between emotions or not identify with these stages at all. For example, someone may experience acceptance one day. The person may go back to feeling sad when an anniversary or a significant day triggers memories. Sadness is a process that occurs in waves, which may fluctuate in intensity over time. Experiencing emotions does not signify that the person has not progressed.
The Dual Process Model of Coping
The Dual Process Model is another approach to explain grief. The Dual Process Model helps to understand that it explains the dynamics of grief between the following types of experiences:
- Loss-Oriented Coping: Focusing on the loss, remembering the person, experiencing sadness and processing emotions.
- Restoration-Oriented Coping: Adjusting to new responsibilities, rebuilding routines, developing new connections and adapting to life changes.
Forms of Grief
How grief appears in diverse forms based on the circumstance and the individual experiencing the phenomenon.
- Anticipatory grief: This is the form of grief which occurs prior to an expected loss, for instance, when there is a serious ailment in one of your loved ones.
- Disenfranchised grief: This refers to grief which is not recognized by the bereaved person, such as the loss of an unaccepted relationship.
- Delayed grief: This kind of grief will be evident sometime after the loss.
- Cumulative grief: This is the sadness as a result of losses that occur during a certain period.
- Prolonged grief: This refers to the sadness that occurs after a period following the loss, and it may affect the daily activities of the individual and may be termed as prolonged grief disorder.
Duration of Grief
There is no set period for grieving. There are those who will adjust within a few months, whereas others will experience waves of sadness for several years.
The duration of the sadness after the event can vary from individual to individual based on factors such as:
- The type of loss and how it happened.
- How close the person was to the person who was lost.
- Past times when the person has lost someone before.
- The support of family and friends.
People do not necessarily lose their grief with time. People manage to accept their grief while retaining the memories.
Normal Grief vs Prolonged Grief vs Depression
Although grief and depression may share certain symptoms, they are not the same.
| Aspect | Normal grief | Prolonged grief disorder | Depression |
|---|---|---|---|
| Main experience | Emotional response to loss | Persistent, intense longing or preoccupation with the deceased | Persistent low mood or loss of interest |
| Emotions | Often occur in waves | Intense and persistent grief-related distress | More pervasive sadness, emptiness or hopelessness |
| Daily functioning | May be temporarily affected | Significant and ongoing difficulty functioning | Often affected across different areas of life |
| Relationship to loss | Directly connected to the loss | Strongly centred on the deceased person | May or may not be related to a specific loss |
Prolonged grief disorder is a recognised health condition. It is diagnosed in adults where the death occurred within 12 months, while persistent grief causes distress and impairment. In children and adolescents, the condition can develop six months post-loss. Another mental disorder that can occur following a loss is depression.
It may require evaluation. They may occur at this time. A mental health expert can differentiate between them.
How to Handle Grief: 5 Practical Ways to Cope with Loss
To know how to handle grief means that one should not strive to be without sadness but rather find a way to cope with emotions and change to become a part of life again.
1. Stick to routines
One should try to keep sleeping and eating routines. Gentle exercises, walks and everyday tasks may provide some kind of stability during the period of grief.
2. Let yourself feel
Let yourself be sad, angry, confused or happy. Do not push yourself and do not compare your grieving with other people’s grieving.
3. Stay in touch with other people
Discussing your issues with people close to you, such as friends or family members, may decrease feelings of loneliness. One does not have to get advice; sometimes listening is what is needed most.
4. Establish rituals and preserve memories
Going through pictures, writing congratulatory letters or doing things related to your cultural and religious traditions may help to stay connected to memories.
5. Consider grief counselling and support groups
During grief counselling, people can share emotions, experiences and coping strategies. Support groups also may allow people to connect with those who have faced similar loss.
How to Help Someone Mourn
If you want to help someone mourning a loss, you don't necessarily have to have all the right words and answers. All you have to do is be there for them and be kind and patient. You don't have to solve their problems. Being there is what counts.
Some ways of helping them include:
- Listening to them without judgment. Allow them to talk without immediately offering your advice.
- Acknowledging their loss. Do not avoid discussing the subject with them. Allow them to express themselves freely.
- Do not say phrases like "You should get over it" or "Everything happens for a reason." They might sound quite dismissive.
- Offering to help them with some chores, like cooking, cleaning.
- Letting them mourn and allowing them to express their feelings however they want. There is no one right way to mourn.
- Checking on them even weeks or months after their loss.
Mourning has no schedule. It goes its own path. The thing that helps is staying by their side and not abandoning them.
When to Seek Assistance
Grief is a reaction that occurs due to a loss; however, sometimes grief becomes excessive. Sometimes, grief may start interfering in your life. In case when grief brings excessive emotional suffering, assistance can be highly beneficial.
Warning signs
You should consider seeking assistance if you recognize any of these warning signs:
- Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness for some time now.
- Sleep disturbances and appetite problems that have become persistent.
- Social isolation from peers, relatives, and socializing.
- Inability to perform work tasks and maintain healthy relationships.
- Guilt. Feeling guilty all the time.
- Grief that is constant and does not subside with time.
- Increased use of drugs to relieve the pain.
In case you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or intentions, seek assistance. Call emergency services, go to the nearest medical facility, and ask someone you can trust to be with you. Grief is not something you need to "get over " in a certain amount of time. With support, people can slowly learn to live with their loss, reconnect with themselves and discover meaning in life again.
